I briefly mentioned that I've been exploring a different modality every week. "You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means." You caught me! I don't actually know the definition of modality. But it's a fancy word, so I just keep saying it. I think it means an alternative healing method or technique? Regardless, the "modality" we're going to discover today is called "thought work."
Originated by Brooke Castillo, and The Life Coach School, (and inspired by what Byron Katie called "the work" in her 2003 book,"Loving What Is,") many coaches will charge you an arm and a leg for "the self coaching model," but luckily for you, my coach gives away tons of free content on her podcast! The model is based around the idea that all circumstances are neutral; but it's our thoughts about said circumstances that creates our feelings, which determines our actions, which creates the results we're seeing in our life. In short- if you don't like your life, or the way you feel about your life; change your thoughts about it. You have control over them.
I know this sounds crazy; because aren't some circumstances definitively bad or good? How do you explain something ACTUALLY terrible, (like a miscarriage, or the Holocaust for example) to the victim as a neutral circumstance? Those are BAD circumstances, not neutral. But here's how you explain the neutrality of it. They aren't BAD for everyone. It's just an event that happened- but it's how people choose to think about the event that bestows meaning upon it. One person could be absolutely devastated about a miscarriage, someone else could be completely relieved. Same event- different thoughts creating different feelings. The Nazis that were perpetrating terrible hate crimes (committing murder even,) had thoughts about the circumstance that made them feel justified in their ideology/actions. I know it seems like- "how could they think that?!" But just look at our nation today- the neutral circumstance of "Trump becomes president" has created two COMPLETELY different schools of thought (many more than just two, actually) resulting in all types of different actions.
That's a good example for my personal life for me to use to demonstrate the model for you, actually.- C=Circumstance, T=Thoughts, F=Feelings, A=Actions, R=Result
C: Trump becomes president- (let me make it even less loaded and specific by saying "human.")
T: "This is literally the worst possible outcome, it's the end of the world as we know it, my entire family is in danger."
F: Despair, depression, rage.
A: Ruminate, Can't get out of bed, doom scroll, cry.
R: Nothing; my depression becomes clinical, and I drop all of my work trips so I'm not making any money.
Clearly, I needed to change this "result" in my life. Working only two trips in January wasn't going to be sustainable for my family. So this is an example of the first model, the "before" model, if you will. Now, it's important to note that this isn't a toxic positivity thing- like putting a positive sticky note over a bad situation. This is me asking myself- "what feelings do I WANT to have about this situation? And what's a thought that I can ACTUALLY believe to get me there?" Because you can't change your thoughts if you don't actually believe that thought, right? Sometimes we can do a bridge thought to help us get there- like "I believe I COULD start to think xyz" if we're struggling. And it's also important to note that there are certain events in my life that I don't choose to feel happy about, (because generally in life; we're striving for happiness, right?) My Dad dying is a good example. Or this- I don't want to feel "happy" about a Trump presidency, (that's just unrealistic) so instead, I'm going in another direction. Here's my "after" model.
C: Human becomes president.
T: "My children are vulnerable under this presidency, and they are looking to me to see how I handle the situation. Now, more than ever, they need me to be their role model and protector, and they need to see me demonstrate action and strength. They will always remember this moment in history, and what their mom did."
F: Courage, strength, bravery, hope.
A: Brainstorm what the best way for me to volunteer and be active in my own corner of the world is; teach my kids that one person CAN make a difference, and it's always darkest before the dawn.
R: Join AFA core committee and start volunteering 10-20 hours per week for the labor movement- for the largest union drive in the history of N America (30,000 flight attendants.) Involve kids; bring them to rallies and protests.
That's just one example of how I used the model to change my thoughts in order to improve my own life. Now- here's the deal with thoughts...We all live in a prison of our own minds. What do I mean by that? I mean that- since all circumstances are neutral- why not choose a thought that benefits us?
Since my coach focuses her practice within the field of relationships, specifically break-ups- I'll use some of her examples. Why not believe that your breakup is happening FOR you, instead of TO you? Why not believe that your ex will always regret losing you, that you were the best he'll ever have? (But only if that thought serves you, if it helps you move on. If it doesn't; discard it, and try a different thought.) In fact, you should discard all of the thoughts that aren't serving you. Since you'll never actually know what your ex (or anyone else for that matter) is thinking- go ahead and choose to believe whatever you want! Even if someone shared all of the thoughts within their head with you, it still wouldn't give you a completely accurate picture of that person (because you're still interpreting it through your lens.) Besides, "words are wind," anyway. (Does anyone know where that reference is from?)
There are people out there who choose to believe in some whack ass conspiracy theories, and others who choose to believe that the earth is flat, despite all evidence to the contrary. Now, I'm not saying you should become one of these people and stop believing in vaccines, or go the way of "alternative facts"- because we all know I BELIEVE in science. But I AM saying that in a world where all you have is your own thoughts- take control of them, instead of letting them control you. Since we're all delulu anyway, you might as well choose to be delusionally happy!
Besides, (apropos of nothing) he probably DOES regret losing you, dear reader, because YOU, my friend, are a bright, and shining superstar! And I hope that's a thought you choose to believe, because it's true. You're the best, bestie! Your outie enjoys warm cuddles, and long walks on the pier. Your outie always closes cabinet doors. Your outie secretly pretends to judge people who smush bugs, but kills every spider you see. (Sorry, couldn't resist that reference.)
Hopefully this very brief glimpse of thought work was helpful to someone, because it's been immensely helpful to me! It's the main modality my coach practices in her work. And if you're interested, I highly suggest getting yourself a life coach, too!